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Attack of the Spoiler

August 26, 2011

I am now going to spoil movies for you, just to be a jerk.

In The Usual Suspects, it turns out that Keyser Soze is really, really mean.

At the end of The Sixth Sense, we learn that Bruce Willis, in a ground-breaking twist, has been bald the whole time.

Speaking of Bruce Willis, in what is arguably an even bigger shocker, we learn at the end of Die Hard 2 that the ultimate villain is not Col. Stuart — as the entire movie leads us to believe — but rather the nefarious Mr. Falcon.

At the end of Star Wars, Luke blows up the Death Star.  It’s awesome.

In Citizen Kane, Citizen Kane says “Rosebud” on his deathbed.  Let me spare you two hours: “Rosebud” was his fourth wife — the shrew owed him money.

— Reinman

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12 comments

  1. You forgot a big one. At the end of “Smallville,” you find out Clark Kent is Superman! Sorry. I know I ruined it for someone.


  2. I like the word “nefarious”


  3. That comment about the Death Star got me thinking. . . What the heck was the purpose of blowing up Alderan with the Death Star? I suppose when I was younger I just watched the movies and said hey, they’re the bad guys, they do bad stuff. Why wouldn’t they blow up Alderan (for apparently no reason)? But really, what was their reason? Were they just itching to try out their new toy, and Alderan happened to be the closest thing to point it at? Did they do it just for evil’s sake, maybe to inspire fear? Were there political reasons? Alderan was presumably part of the empire anyway. Were those death star guys trying to put down a protest movement while showing just how little they cared for their own people? Perhaps it’s been too long since I’ve watched the movies. Things are starting to come back to me. I seem to remember now that blowing up Alderan was an interrogation tactic used to get Leia to reveal super-secret rebel strategeries. Even so, wasn’t their ultimate goal to crush the rebellion, and wouldn’t blowing up a peaceful planet make more people ticked off and ready to pick up blaster rifles in defense of life and liberty? Anyway, I guess there was probably a reason after all — fear tactics. Maybe it wasn’t just a senseless act of destruction in the name of evil. I guess the question then becomes, what were the likes of Saddam, Assad, Gaddafi, et al. thinking? Haven’t they watched Star Wars?


  4. Fun post!
    To jms, Bail Organa, Leia’s adopted father, was an influential, if somewhat quiet voice for the rebellion. There was probably more insurrection broiling on the surface of Alderaan than their “peaceful” reputation ever let on. So Tarkin was clearly sending a message.

    An no, I am not using the horrible prequels, in which Jimmy Smits does indeed play a rebel sympathetic, Senator Organa, as my reference.

    Instead, I refer to the original film in which Leia records to Obi- Wan (the Colonel’s claims of memorization now put to the test–see previous post), “I have placed information vital to the rebellion into the memory system of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it.”

    Also, in the fantastic novelization of the original film, Darth Vader, in a scene that I have to grudgingly admit does foreshadow the whole “there’s still some good in him” idea, is looking out of the Death Star at the shattered remains of Alderaan. I paraphrase:

    “Alderaan,” he thought, “With all its cities, farms, churches..”
    ” …and traitors,” Vader quickly reminded himself.

    Hmmmm…


  5. I wonder if Saddam, Gaddafi, et al. think they’re Luke Skywalker? Luke, after all, killed a lot of people as well for the Greater Good.


  6. Col., you have humanized a character that I prefer to remain in the realm of the surreal. I choose to pretend that I have never watched the newest prequel so that Vader can remain exactly what he will always be to me, a bad ass who can choke you from across the room and throw indiscriminate items at you with his mind. And as for the scene at the end of Jedi where he is standing with Yoda and Obi, screw that. In my mind, he and the Emperor are in Hell arguing about who’s fault it is and how they are going to take over the place.

    Which reminds me of one of my favorite television moments. I am sure you can place it:

    “So let me get this straight. In your wildest dream, you are the co-owner of a bed and breakfast in Hell with the Devil…”


    • Ooh ooh, I got it!


    • “Yeah, but I haven’t told you my salary yet.”
      “Go.”
      “Eighty THOUSAND dollars a year.”


  7. Nope. I’m lost.



  8. This is in the top three all time greatest Office moments. Too bad I failed to memorize it correctly.

    #1 Bears eat beets.
    Bears beat Battle Star Galactica.


    • A couple of years ago for my dad’s birthday, we got him two stuffed teddy bears, a jar of beats, and the pilot episode of “Battlestar Galactica.” The realization was glorious.



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