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Look and Feel

January 12, 2012

Last week, I could feel a zit forming on my nose. I couldn’t yet see it, but I knew it was there because it hurt like a madman. (Like a madman who was punching me in the nose.)

So, I tried to nip the problem in the butt, as they say. I squeezed the crap out of that zit. Actually, I wish I had, in fact, squeezed the crap out of that zit. Instead, what happened is I squeezed and squeezed and nothing happened.

With the bridge of my nose still throbbing, I took drastic measures and began digging at that nasty, invisible little zit with my fingernails until I was certain that it had been excavated.

Also, if you don’t like reading about gross things, you should probably skip the preceding paragraphs.

Unearthing the zit, of course, left a sizable scab on my nose. It didn’t hurt, but for a few days, I looked like a rather well-known, red-nosed creature.

Anyway, the whole ordeal left me reflecting on the fact that I often will trade appearances for comfort. In other words, I was willing to walk around with a clown-nose for a few days (poor appearance) if it meant relief from the newly forming zit that hurt slightly if I poked at it in just the right place (comfort).

It’s the same reason I never wear “skinny” jeans, and why “sweat” is my favorite variety of pant (provided sweatpants are even remotely socially acceptable, given the occasion — taking out the garbage, midnight runs to Walmart, my sister’s wedding, etc.).

It’s why I wear glasses instead of contacts. I’d rather look like a dork in glasses than have to regularly endure the uncomfortable sensation of touching my own eyeball. Also, shut up — my mom says glasses are cool.

Some would say this is why I wore Velcro shoes during my freshman year of college. But I didn’t wear Velcro shoes because they were any more comfortable than shoes with laces — I wore them because they were so incredibly cool. Like glasses.

I blame this — my preference for comfort over appearance — for why I didn’t exactly kill it with the ladies in high school. (Also this, this, and this.)

One exception, though, does come to the top of my head — mostly, because I wear it on the top of my head. I put on a thin, silver and black stocking cap when I play football in the winter. I have other hats that are warmer and/or more comfortable, but I wear this particular hat because it matches my silver and black Randy Moss Oakland Raiders jersey (which, according to jersey-experts, is the fifth-most popular Moss jersey ever sold).

Why do I make this one exception? It’s because if there’s one thing I know about guys who play football, it’s that they would mercilessly ridicule me if my costume were not perfectly color-coordinated from head to toe.

Uniform. I meant to say uniform.

Or, my special playtime outfit.

— Reinman

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10 comments

  1. Ugh. I hate pimples!


  2. “Also, shut up — my mom says glasses are cool.” Just ask Lois Lane!


    • Also, Harry Potter’s girlfriend, whoever she is.


  3. Next time, I’ll just buy you some Clearasil and that should take care of your problem!


    • That seems like cheating. Why resort to using things like “science” and “medicine” when I can just do a good old-fashioned blood-letting?


  4. Did I detect a reference to “The Middle” in one of those final paragraphs?


    • I would call it less a “reference” and more “outright theft” — though perhaps more in the (probably) inadvertent Louis C. K. vs. Dane Cook vein: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/2011/08/05/louis-ck-and-dane-cook-resolve-feud_n_919644.html

      Speaking of which, I would imagine you’re all in on the recent Rise of Louis.

      I’m somewhat surprised to find that you’re so well-versed in “The Middle.” I like the show well enough, but I wasn’t sure it would be up your alley.

      And on the subject of the ABC Wednesday night block, are you as pleasantly surprised by “Happy Endings” as the Jilb and I have been?


  5. SPEAK!


    • That one was just for you!


      • In honor of Speak, I feel like quoting the Tick. He has something to say about just about everything.

        The Tick on sanity vs insanity:
        Isn’t sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you’re good and crazy, ooh, ooh, ooh, the sky is the limit.

        You’re not going crazy. You’re going sane in a crazy world!

        The Tick on football and parenting:
        Everybody was a baby once, Arthur. Oh, sure, maybe not today, or even yesterday. But once. Babies, chum: tiny, dimpled, fleshy mirrors of our us-ness, that we parents hurl into the future, like leathery footballs of hope. And you’ve got to get a good spiral on that baby, or evil will make an interception.

        The Tick on Destiny and Arthur’s brain:
        Destiny, that finely-shaped engine of the universe with the warm hands and the tasteful footwear, pushed Arthur, wings and all, into my path. We were meant to be together, friends to the end. He has a three-pound brain, and it’s all smarts.

        The Tick on nutrition:
        Let us not forget the lesson that we can learn from this, Arthur, that man was not meant to tamper with the four basic food groups.

        The Tick on baking:
        Not baked goods, Professor; baked bads.

        The Tick on noogies:
        Their Achilles’ heel is the noogie!

        The Tick on Villains and puns:
        Villains always have antidotes. They’re funny that way.

        The Tick on science:
        Well, once again, my friend, we find that science is a two-headed beast. One head is nice, it gives us aspirin and other modern conveniences… But the other head of science is bad. Oh, beware the other head of science, Arthur. It bites.

        The Tick on slime and morality:
        Yes, my slimy friend, once again slime does not pay. You can’t just coat yourself with artificial mucous and slip through the long fingers of the law. It’s wrong and it’s gross.

        The Tick on Super-villainy and hapiness:
        You know why super villains are so unhappy, Arthur? They don’t treasure the little things.

        The Tick on the unpredictability of life:
        You know, gang, when you’re a superhero, you never know where the day will take you. You may find yourself halfway around the world in the shark-infested waters of true-to-life living. Or you may find yourself going down to the store for a lozenge. You can’t know, can you? No. You gotta ride that wave, you gotta suck that lozenge. ‘Cause if you don’t, who will?

        The Tick on war:
        SPOON!

        The Tick on fashion:
        Arthur, that belt is an accessory of evil, and evil is never in fashion.



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